The Campus Sports Guy
Mailtime
By Corey Ryan, Sports Editor
August 15, 2007 | 12:35 p.m.
Maybe I’m supposed to be writing my English paper, but how could I never do a mailbag? As always, these are fictional questions sent from fictional people because no one ever e-mails me about anything I write either because I am always right or no one reads this stuff.
Q: Hey, Sports Guy, I love the blog man. What’s your take on Bobcat football this year? Are we going back to a bowl game and will students actually care?
-- Michael, Mill St.
CSG: I am the pessimist when it comes to OU sports. That team last year was horrible to watch, but they won. You may be better off going to the dentist for entertainment rather than watching this team if Brad Bower is quarterback all season, but the Mid-American Conference is just all around horrible. Look for the Bobcats to finish with eight wins and a trip to the Independence Bowl or something sweet where we will get killed like last year. Also look for Theo Scott to be starting by week three.
As always, the students will not care regardless because it is so boring to watch and because our big non-conference home game is against Wyoming.
Q: Yo dude, football season is almost here. What do you think about the Brownies? Is this finally our year?
-- Jeremy, North Olmstead
CSG: I have decided that I’ll be happy if they go 4-12; however, I’ll only be happy if those four wins come against Cincinnati and Pittsburgh. If they don’t open the season 3-1 or 2-2, Romeo will probably get sent packing after the bye. Brady “I held out for two weeks and I can’t throw a spiral” Quinn will probably start week 10 in a public relations stunt to fill the stadium. I am a pessimist when it comes to Cleveland sports.
Q: Have you seen those commercials with the fantasy football hall-of-fame? If there was such a hall-of-fame, who is the inaugural class?
-- Todd, Palmer St.
CSG: Marshall Faulk and Ladainian Tomlinson. It’s a small class.
Q: Your last blog was depressing. When the Bengals beat the Browns, that’s not going to send you over the cliff or anything? Maybe you shouldn’t watch the game. WHO DEY!
-- Douche Bag Bengals Fan, Cincinnati
CSG: No, what is going to send me over the cliff is the first time the local CBS affiliate airs a Cincy game over a Browns game. I will burn that city to the ground one day.
Q: I just joined a Facebook group called I Believe a Cleveland Franchise Will Win a Championship in My Lifetime. Am I a sucker for believing this?
-- Grady, Cleveland
CSG: First off, I already joined that group. Secondly, we are both suckers. My dad has been living in Northeast Ohio for almost 50 years and he is yet to see it happen. As always, I’m not optimistic. The Browns can’t. The Indians won’t spend the money. The Cavs could win a bunch of Eastern Conference Championships, but a lineup of Larry Hughes and Z isn’t scaring anyone west of the Mississippi.
However, if the Cavs, Indians or Browns do win a championship, look for my book Now I Can Pass Away in Peace. Add the Ohio University men's basketball and football teams just to increase my chances.
Q: Sports Guy, I just got done watching Kicking and Screaming and I have to ask you why Mike Ditka is so funny? I don’t get it, but he made me laugh the entire movie.
-- Corey, W. State St.
CSG: That brings up something interesting that I have wanted to put together: a list of the funniest current and former athletes.
5. Mike Ditka and I can’t explain it. Maybe it’s because his fists are like small trucks?
4. Shaq. Kazaam was not funny, but this guy called himself the big Aristotle. I don’t care who you are, that’s funny right there.
3. Greg Oden. Before the draft, he went on PTI and talked about wanting to be a dentist. He’s big, he’s goofy, he’s nerdy and he has a big gap in his teeth.
2. Bob Knight. I’d be scared to be a reporter during one of his press conferences.
1. Charles Barkley. Is this really debatable? Have you seen him golf?
Just missing the cut: Lebron is probably in the top-10, but I watched the ESPYs and that whole bit where he dunked the baby just wasn’t funny.
Q: So do you like own Speakeasymag.com? Every time I get on, you are the only one to put up new content. Why don’t you rename the site, pessimisticcampussportsguy.com? Sidenote: how’s Athens treating you? I’m looking forward to coming back in a few weeks.
-- Katie, Georgia
CSG: First off, I’m just kick ass. Second, we tried to rename the site, but that domain was taken. Finally, Athens is hot and hilly. I sweat through t-shirts just walking home. Other than that, it’s great although I have a new theory that Junction Punch is really liquefied, dyed cocaine.
Q: I was depressed when Sopranos finished and I needed something to fill that hole in my life. Flight of the Conchords may have filled that gap in my life. Do you watch?
-- Jermaine, New Zealand
CSG: I felt the same way, even though I only started watching Sopranos the last couple seasons; however, Flight of the Conchords has definitely filled that void. Here is my Sunday night: South Park reruns from 9-10, Entourage and Flight from 10-11, Curb Your Enthusiasm rerun from 11-11:30. Then, I go to sleep. It’s the best night of television.
I highly recommend downloading some of their songs. If you see me walking around giggling with my iPod on, I'm probably listening to Business Time.
Q: So do you really like Bill Simmons or could you just not think of something clever for your blog? He was the Boston Sports Guy and you think you can be the Campus Sports Guy? Is there a Sports Guy in every walk of life?
-- Bill, Los Angeles
CSG: At first I admit I just couldn't think of anything clever. I never even read Simmons until about three months ago and I have to admit, I find it clever and witty. But I do it better. ESPN has nothing on Speakeasy.
Q: You look so sexy in that picture. You should do a swimsuit calendar or something. I bet that would make tons of money.
-- Michael, Stewart St.
CSG: If these are fictional e-mails, then why did I make that last one from Michael?