The Campus Sports Guy
The Campus Sports Guy is dead
By Corey Ryan, Sports Editor
December 3, 2007 | 1:02 p.m.
Grief and despair have catapulted a nation and a university into a wall of crisis. The Campus Sports Guy is dead, after 15 months on Speakeasymag.com.
Good evening America, I am Katie Couric reporting live from Ohio University in Athens, Ohio.
One mourner found making a snow angel on College Green: Who the (expletive) is the Campus Sports Guy? I don’t even know what the (expletive) Speakeasymag.com is.
I couldn’t have said it better myself.
For these past 15 months, the OU community and the other five people who read Speakeasymag.com have been treated to the thorough reporting, clever wit and breathtaking analysis of the Campus Sports Guy. Many students and internet nerds alike have looked to that man for answers.
Now, that man turned legend is gone.
Frequent forum poster on Bobcatattack.com and ncaabbs.com and former O-Zone president, aka Bobcat Dragon: It’s about time. The dude was an idiot.
You wouldn’t call him a visionary or at least an insightful eye on OU athletics and Ohio area professional teams?
Bobcat Dragon, with his face painted green and white and a stupid green wig on, chowing down on free Hungry Howie's pizza: No Ms. Couric. He should have just transferred to The Ohio State University, because he clearly didn’t like it here. I mean, he never once used the word “elite” or “superior” in describing the football team or the men’s basketball team. Did you know we won the MAC East Title in 2006 in football? I mean, if that isn’t elite, I don’t know what is.
Even though you and the Campus Sports Guy didn’t see eye-to-eye, you still don’t think he, being a reporter in the press conferences, interviewing players and coaches, watching all of the games including games of other teams in the conference, would know more than you, the idiotic, face-painted, internet forum geek?
Bobcat Dragon, now with pizza sauce all over his white O-Zone t-shirt: No Ms. Couric. I don’t. I mean, one time, Jerome Tillman personally gave me a ticket to a Saturday afternoon game. I was just sitting at Baker Center, and he just came by, asked me “What’s up?” and handed me a ticket. He walked away before I could respond. I was a little taken back because Jerome Tillman acknowledged my existence. That doesn't happen everyday.
One fans triumph is a woman’s travesty.
Sexy Latino co-ed: I hated sports before him. One of my girlfriends told me one day to check out this breathtakingly handsome writer’s picture and I’m still yet to find my breath.
So you would say the Campus Sports Guy could be viewed as a sex symbol?
Sexy co-ed: More like a sex god. He's like a combination of Johnny Depp, Dirk Diggler and Topher Grace.
(Katie Couric pulls up Speakeasymag.com)
Damn!
Sexy co-ed: That was my reaction. There will never be another Campus Sports Guy. Do you know how he died?
(Katie Couric can’t take her eyes of the Campus Sports Guy).
What? Oh, they found him at the bottom of the Hocking river. He was duct taped in orange and black streamers with claw marks all over his face and body.
(Katie Couric back in studio)
The Athens Police Department suspects foul play, based on the evidence sent in by a Cincinnati native terrorist organization taking credit for the assassination.
APD released this tape yesterday.
Three black-masked men in Bengal jerseys, Carson Palmer, Chad Johnson and Chris Henry appear in front of a black cloth: We the people of the Who-Dey? Klan told that son of a bitch that if he (explicative) with us one more time, we was gonna kill him. He was having too much enjoyment watching our beloved Bengals through their worst season ever.
When releasing the tape, the APD sheriff made a statement.
Sheriff: We just don’t get it. The Bengals sucked from 1989-2003. I would have thought these young-ins would be used to being one of the worst teams in the league. Now, someone is dead and I will find the perpetrators. The Browns may never win a Super Bowl but by God we will do whatever it takes to stop these terrorists. We tried to call CTU, but Jack Bauer was unavailable. Something about a writers’ strike.
The Crocodile Hunter, Gerald Ford, Tony Parker and now the Campus Sports Guy. Why God? Why?
Studio stage hand: Ms. Couric, Tony Parker is still alive.
For now. I’m Katie Couric. Good night America.
("Dust in the Wind" by Kansas blares and fade to black).
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