Running out of the playoffs
By Corey Ryan, Sports Editor
June 15, 2007 | 9:53 a.m.
Are the Cavs the worst NBA Finals team of all time?
Can Zydrunas Ilgauskas go left?
Is this the best Spurs team ever?
Will Cleveland ever win a championship in my lifetime?
Is Simmons going to keep an in-game diary too?
With all of these questions on the back of my mind, my sister screwing me out of my ticket – to be fair, I did spend the entire day at the U.S. Open while she had to work and I did go to game 3 – I have decided to keep a running diary of the game. Hopefully the Cavs don’t get swept so I can go to game 5 Sunday night. But here goes:
8:32 p.m. (EST): I can’t believe ABC opened up with some bull shit montage of the Spurs winning their fourth ring. Nobody is giving us a chance and I don’t blame them.
8:34: Grant Hill sort of picked the Cavs to win this game. I’m glad the producers twisted his arm to pick the Cavs. What did that stupid Dukie ever win anyway? Well, in the NBA.
Sidenote, I hate John Barry. He is an idiot, who, by the way, never won anything and was never half the player Hill was in Orlando. I can accept that the Cavs are not as good as the Spurs. I can accept they aren’t as good as three of the Western Conference playoff teams, but we beat the Pistons four times in a row. They almost won the first two games. The Cavs earned the right to be the best team in the East, even though that was only good enough to probably get swept in the finals.
8:42: I have decided it is probably for the best that my sister went to this game over me. I don’t know if I could handle the Spurs celebrating on our court, right in front of me. I’d probably go ape shit, run onto the floor and karate chop Tony Parker in is jugular.
How bad does Shaq’s reality show look? Shaq and fat kids? He says in the trailer "it isn’t about losing weight, it’s about saving lives." That sounds a little overdramatic to me. I guess it sounds more entertaining than TNT’s new sitcom House of Pain and his movie Kazaam.
Speaking of fat kids, my family eats the Ruffle Lights now, ½ the calories of regular potato chips, and they are addicting. I just downed an entire bag and no I do not have the munchies.
8:52: Who the hell is Tyler Hicks? Am I the only one on the planet who doesn’t watch American Idol?
8:56: rise: 1. to get up from a lying, sitting, or kneeling posture; assume an upright position. 2. to get up from bed, esp. to begin the day after a night’s sleep. 3. to become erect and stiff, as the hair in fright.
Those are the first three definitions provided by dictionary.com, which explains so much about these finals.
9:03: UGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH. OOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHH. Too many Ruffles Light potato chips.
9:08: I miss listening to the P.A. announcer at The Q say Sasha like he was a Eastern European porn star. SssSAsha.
9:12: The Cavs are the only team in the NBA who try to run the flex offense. They are also the only non-girls high school team who can’t run it correctly. Anyways, Gibson hit a deep 3-pointer, which is good. He is the future, Larry Hughes is the mistake
9:14: Sasha Pavlovic will be a good player someday. I know he loses his mind sometimes and makes horrendous decisions but here is what I like:
He is competitive. He is tough. He can go inside, outside and he is turning into a pretty good defender (just watch him on the ball now).
I’ve been watching him all year and no one can convince me otherwise. Gibson, Pavlovic and James could develop into an elite trio. Danny Ferry is praying they do because Larry Hughes and Z are only getting more expensive and more untradeable by the day.
9:19: After Sasha picks off a Duncan pass after a Lebron double team, I figured out why Mike Brown is a good coach.
The Cavs have zero great defensive players. Half the team cannot even spell defense, but they are one of the best defensive teams in the league, without a doubt. When they are on their game, they rotate better than anyone, which forces turnovers even against the almighty Spurs.
9:22: After Parker makes an unreal lay-up and jump shot, I remembered something else. The Cavs can’t guard quick, little guards. Stupid Frenchy.
9:25: Gee, I can’t wait to get my pictures from Game 3 up on Facebook.
9:26: As I read that, I realized how girly that sounds. Quick, I should do something manly. All I got is to either chug a beer or go lift something heavy. I choose beer.
9:29: After watching Anderson Varejao show off a baby-hook I have a horrific flash back of him taking the decisive shot in Game 3. Was that a nightmare or did that really happen?
9:32: Five San Antonio turnovers + 0 San Antonio 3-pointers = a 20-19 first quarter lead. Not only are we going to get swept, but they are going to win on a buzzer beater. Call me Ms. Cleo because I can see it now.
9:38: Greg Popovich is pissed that his team is playing like, as Michelle Tafoya translated, “garbage,” but they are still only down one.
9:40: This week’s sign of the apocalypse, Eric Snow hit a jump shot.
9:49: While listening to ESPN radio on our way to the U.S. Open, my dad and I heard all the complaining about how bad the Cavs are and how bad the television ratings are. I’ll admit the Cavs have been, to steal Popovich’s word, garbage, there are other reasons no one is watching:
1. The 9 p.m. start on the east coast is too early. People have to work during the week and these late starts push the game back past midnight.
2. The ESPN/ABC three-man booth is awful. I hated the Knicks in the 90s, so maybe I’m bias, but they couldn’t find anyone better than Jeff Van Gundy and Mark Jackson? Wasn’t Van Gundy coaching in the playoffs?
3. People hate Tim Duncan. I’m not one of them, because I think he is the best player since Jordan. However, every friend I have that watches the NBA despises Duncan like those fat kids in Shaq’s reality show despise exercise.
4. Charles Barkley should be involved in every NBA broadcast. I don’t know what it is about him, but he is flat out entertaining. Him and Mike Ditka, the funniest former athletes without a doubt.
9:57: Holy shit! Eric Snow is 2-2 with two jump shots. It is the end of days.
10:04: I thought I saw T.O. in the stands. Hell, if T.O. and Tom Brady came all the way to Cleveland, they must be interested in the NBA Finals. Or they are just sick of listening to Van Gundy and Jackson ramble on and on about how neither won a championship.
10:07: Duncan could get called for three seconds at least five times a game, but usually never does. At least this officiating crew got one of them.
10:12: I can’t believe Cleveland is only down five.
Did Parker just refer to Duncan as “Timmy?” HAHAH! What a lil' girl. I wonder if Lassie will be joining him in the second half?
Sidenote: Neil Diamond’s Sweet Caroline is the greatest halftime song ever. I always sing to it when they play it at halftime at The Q. Diamond is a stud, hands down.
10:18: Wow, the halftime show is major league hating on the Cavs. At least the commercials included Barkley. I need more Chuck in my Finals.
10:26: Add long halftimes to the other reasons why people aren’t watching these NBA Finals list
10:34: Finally Jackson says something smart. I have been saying all playoffs that Lebron would be best off posting up. It would just be easier on him and the Cavs if he would do that.
10:42: Game 5 at Detroit is becoming more and more unbelievable. How can a player make so many difficult shots, but be unable to make wide-open shots a week later?
10:43: Duncan actually admitted he fouled someone! He rose is hand and everything. That is almost as weird as Snow making those two jump shots.
10:44: I will never eat a croissant again. How many championships will this give for Duncan?
10:55: The Cavs really could make it through three quarters with less than 50 points. I had to leave for 10 minutes there just because I was about to fall asleep. I mean, I did wake up at 5 a.m. to go to Oakmont today in time to see Tiger Woods tee off, so I have some excuse, but shouldn’t a 45-point three quarters be enough of a reason?
10:58: No one gets poked in the face more than Lebron. It’s a once a game occurrence.
Here is what I hate about Lebron. His team is playing horrendous basketball. He is playing awful. However, if you look at his facial expressions you would think he was a kid in a candy store. STOP SMILING! Get angry like when you went after McDyess in game 5.
11:03 I’m almost sad that the Cavs eclipsed the 50-point mark. Almost as sad as I am to see Robert Horry win a seventh championship. Was he ever a top two player on his own team? Was he ever a top five player on any of his teams other than the Rockets?
11:14: It’s almost as if no one wants to win this game. The Spurs seem like they like Cleveland so much that they don’t want to leave. The Cavs seem like they have had enough and they just want to stop playing basketball. It’s like that episode of South Park about summer little league baseball.
11:18; There are eight minutes left. I’m thinking the winner is getting to 75 (60-59 Spurs).
11:19 Cleveland is winning! Unbelievable.
11:20: I love BOOOOBBBBBBIIIIIIEEEEEE!!!!
11:21: I know I bash Larry Hughes every chance I get but how bad do Damon Jones and Donyell Marshall look 90 percent of the time? They both can only make wide-open, set shots. Neither can play defense. They only make those wide-open shots 40 percent of the time. I could be DJ.
11:25: Someone in a black uniform is going to make a game winner. I just pray to God it isn’t big shot Rob.
11:28: Excuse me Mr. Ginobli, here’s your dagger back.
11:30: Add Argentina to the list of places I’d like to see disappear. Other cities on that list include Cincinnati, Detroit, Ann Arbor, France and Bristol, Connecticut.
11:36: This is like a football game. The Spurs are just barely getting first downs and the Cavs can’t stop them.
11:37: Well, Mikey [Brown] has decided to throw in the towel and why shouldn’t he? We deserve to be the worst team in NBA Finals history. Maybe the NBA should eliminate the conferences and have a balanced schedule throughout the regular season and the postseason.
When have the two conferences ever really been balanced anyway? The only time I can think of is the Laker, Celtics era in the 80s when Bird was going against Magic every other year? That was before I was born.
11:45: If Gibson and Pavlovic don’t become top 30 players then this team is doomed and Lebron is out of here in three years. Hughes, Z, Marshall, Jones, Wesley, Snow and Pollard are the six worst decisions ever. They are all way overpaid and I would only keep Z and Snow on the team, but for cheaper contracts.
I wish this was the NFL and we could cut everyone. Just so everyone is aware, here are those six player’s salaries in order: $13.36 million, $9.44 million, $5.63 million, $3.88 million, $1.75 million, $6.09 million and $2.2 million. Everyone is coming back next year, with only Snow, Wesley and Pollard not on contract in 2008-09. What the hell was Danny Ferry smoking?
11:48: Glad it’s over. Sports teams are like women. You have to distance your self in order to avoid the heartbreak. I set the bar low for this series and that's probably why it doesn't hurt so bad. I knew the team was flawed and the Spurs were the best team in the NBA.
Regardless, I need a nap. Good night readers.