The Campus Sports Guy
I believe in miracles
By Corey Ryan, Sports Editor
September 19, 2007 | 2 a.m.
WARNING: The following blog contains the text messages and phone conversations of the Campus Sports Guy from Sunday, Sept. 16. To protect the identity of the participants, all real names will be replaced with clever nicknames by yours-truly. This blog will also contain adult language, adult situations and partial, but not frontal nudity. The CARA has rated it SIBF, Suck It Bengals Fans.
What a beautiful afternoon. The sun is warming, but not uncomfortable. It is the perfect, brisk, autumn afternoon as a slight zephyr soothes.
The grass is freshly cut, which eliminates the irritation to my flip-flopped feet. An old man drives by in a topless Jeep, he looks at me, and flashes me a smile and a resounding thumbs-up as I venture down the broken sidewalk path before me. This is bliss.
How could this young man walking towards me look so gloom on such a beautiful day? He walks up the hill, passing me with a glance before his eyes immediately shoot back to the sidewalk. What did I do to him? Was he crying?Do you know what was left out of that scene, describing my Sunday afternoon stroll to the library? Something I rarely notice and never comment on. I forgot to mention what everyone was wearing.
First, the older gentleman in the Jeep was wearing a gray, hood-less sweatshirt with a familiar orange helmet with a white and black stripes down the middle. The depressed dude walking up the hill was wearing a certain No. 85 jersey from a certain Cincinnati football team to go along with a hat also appareling that Cincinnati franchise.
What was I wearing?
Well, I was rocking my Cleveland Browns Kameron Wimbley jersey and my NBA Eastern Conference Champion Cleveland Cavaliers hat. That’s how I roll.
Now I could go on and on about all the depressed Bengal fans I slowly walked by during my stroll, coincidentally right after Sunday’s Bengal loss, 51-45, to in-state rival Cleveland, but I feel I’d just be beating a lame horse.
Instead, I’m going to provide a lesson for all sports fans, letting them know that if you don’t have tickets, sometimes the best place to watch a game that matters is not at a noisy bar or a party with girls who think it’s trendy to like NFL football this year, which is still a trend I support unlike country music, and guys who are over compensating by pretending to be sports guys (the jury is still out regarding if I fall into that category).
It all started on Saturday night, watching a certain stud running-back:
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8:20 p.m. TO: Browns fan on campus
McFadden is so good. He’s going to be a fuckin’ good Cowboy. [The Browns traded their first pick to the Cowboys in the 2008 draft. They got Brady Quinn in return.]
8:31 p.m. FROM: Browns fan on campus
Raiders
9:00 p.m. TO: Browns fan on campus
At least you’re optimistic.
9:01 p.m. FROM: Browns fan on campus
Fo sho
10:08 p.m. TO: The Weis Guy
Browns 93 Bengals 3
10:12 p.m. FROM: The Weis Guy
Is that a dream?
Now to the actual game day…
1:04 p.m. TO: Browns fan on campus
This is goin to get ugly. I have a bad feeling. [This was because the Bengals had been driving down the field with ease, eventually scoring.]
1:13 p.m. TO: The Weis Guy
That was like watching the scout team play defense. This is going to be awful.
1:25 p.m. TO: The Weis Guy
SUCK ON THAT! [After INT and Phil Dawson field goal, why I was so excited because of a field goal, I have no idea. I guess that says something about the Browns' opening week performance.]
1:44 p.m. TO: The Weis Guy
We’re scoring 24, 8 FG s. Can your boys top that?
1:46 p.m. TO: Browns fan on campus
Is it Halloween because they almost look like a real football team. Can we keep this up for 3 more quarters? [I believe this was when it was 7-6 and the Browns actually moved the ball on offense in consecutive possessions, something that hasn't happened since that playoff run in 2003.]
2:02 p.m. TO: High School Browns fan at the game
I’m stuck wondering if Charlie Frye was that bad or were the Steelers that good? Maybe Romeo is stealing signs this week?
2:04 p.m. FROM: High School Browns fan at the game
I’m at the game yellin at cheesy Bengals fans. Yes we are stealing signs.
2:07 p.m. TO: High School Browns fan at the game
Packer fans are cheesy. Bengal fans are [explicit] [explicit] smokers. He was out on that last one. [I put explicit in there because I'm of the "not that there is anything wrong with that" opinion, but I'll still not very PC. This text is referring to T.J. Houshmandzadeh’s first touchdown.]
2:12 p.m TO: Browns fan on campus
It’s like the NFL doesn’t want us to win. It’s a god damn conspiracy I swear to god the entire world is against us.
2:12 p.m. TO: High School Browns fan at the game
I need more Cribbs in my life. [Josh Cribbs couldn't be stopped in the return game. The Bengals squibbed every kick in the second half.]
2:15 p.m. TO: The Weis Guy
I think Anderson just doesn’t like Edwards. He never makes a good throw at him. Oh. Scoreboard biotch. [During the first half, Anderson missed Edwards at least four times with horrible passes, and when he did complete a pass to him, it was only the result of a miracle catch.]
2:16 p.m. FROM: The Weis Guy
Yea yea its only first half
2:30 p.m. FROM: The Weis Guy
U guys love penalties n bodden got worked [Chad Johnson running around the field after that first touchdown, contemplating whether to run to the other end-zone and jump into the Dawg Pound.]
2:33 p.m. TO: The Weis Guy
It was zone coverage. And if Johnson jumps into the pound he’s going to get a haymaker in the McLovin category. Big Dawg’s bone will go up his ass too. [The McLovin category is anytime someone gets knocked out by a vicious punch, tackle, etc. but really can't be mad because it was amazing. This is apposed to the "You Just Got Knocked the Fuck Out" category, referring to when someone should be embarrassed by getting knocked out by a smaller opponent, or if Ice Cube ever punched you in the face.]
2:36 p.m. TO: Browns fan on campus
When’s the last time we had 3 passing tds in the first half? Kelly Holcomb?
2:40 p.m. TO: Browns fan on campus
I forgot about that game in ’04 [Bengals defeated the Browns in one of the highest scoring games in history]. CBS is on the same page as me. [Right after that last text, CBS reminded me of the last time the Browns had scored three passing touchdowns in a half]
2:51 p.m. FROM: Browns fan on campus
BROWNS
2:59 p.m. TO: Browns fan on campus
That was huge.
2:59 p.m. FROM: The Weis Guy
Terrible call [This is referring to when Carson Palmer tried to sneak it in on the goal line]
3:04 p.m. TO: The Weis Guy
We might not be the smartest team, but when you don’t huddle then we’re smart enough to know to stack the line. It doesn’t take sign stealing to figure that one out.
3:15 p.m. TO: Browns fan friend who went to high school with me, but lives in D.C.
You need to get your newly 21-year-old ass to a bar in D.C. with the NFL package. The Brownies are looking legit. [Week one, I envied all Browns fans who were out of the states of Pennsylvania and Ohio. Week two I felt sorry they couldn't see the glory first hand without paying for the NFL Gameday package.]
3:17 p.m. FROM: Browns fan friend who went to high school with me, but lives in D.C.
Who’s qb
3:17 p.m. TO: Browns fan friend who went to high school with me, but lives in D.C.
DA. He has 4 D passes.
3:24 p.m. TO: The Weis Guy
Ouch. That hurts you in the real world and the fantasy world.
[See the Weis Guy blog and know that I was one of the two teams to dominate him in fantasy. I had Edwards, Winslow and Lewis starting]
3:44 p.m. TO: Browns fan on campus
They have given up a lot of points but the defense has stepped up when it needs to.
3:45 p.m. FROM: Browns fan on campus
Yea im nervous for this drive
3:50 p.m. TO: Browns fan on campus
Where was this DA in pre-season? Granted he has made some awful throws to Braylon. He couldn’t beat out Charlie three weeks ago. Are the bengals just that bad? I’m so confused.
3:53 p.m. TO: The Weis Guy
Ps. I started Jamal, Edwards and Winslow this week. You’ll look good in this jersey. [The Weis Guy and I bet on the game, with the loser having to wear the winning team’s apparel at our next meeting, see picture].
4:03 p.m. TO: Browns fan on campus
Do we really have an opportunity to put a football game away?
4:18 p.m. TO: Browns fan on campus
I’m not confident. This has heart break written all over it.
4:19 p.m. FROM: Browns fan on campus
Yea it does
4:20 p.m. TO: Browns Nation’s biggest pessimist
I think we’re going to f this one up.
4:20 p.m. FROM: Browns Nation’s biggest pessimist
Me too
4:25 p.m. TO: High school Browns fan at game
Are the fans at the game on edge?
4:29 p.m. TO: The Weis Guy
I’m not confident.
4:30 p.m. Phone call to home
Me: Doesn’t this look like a familiar situation? Isn’t this where we pull back into some deep zone coverage, let them drive down the field and score?
My Dad: It appears that way.
4:36 p.m. FROM: The Weis Guy
What size is ur jersey?
4:38 p.m. TO: The Weis Guy
Medium. We’ll talk tomorrow.
4:39 p.m. TO: Browns fan on campus
I’m speechless
4:41 p.m. FROM: High school Browns fan at game
Ya everyone was nervous and freakin out
4:41 p.m. FROM: Browns fan on campus
SUPERBOWL BOUND! [He doesn't believe this, but it's nice to say in week two because we aren't mathematically eliminated yet. We'll have to wait for week eight to be mathematically eliminated from the playoffs.]
4:50 p.m. Phone call to Browns fan on campus
Me: I got to tell you, the greatest thing about this game was walking uptown, looking at all of the depressed Bengals fans. This one dude looked like he was crying.
Browns fan on campus: Ya, this is phenomenal. Someone threw a Coke bottle at me.
Me: They just all look depressed. I’m impressed they all actually have their jerseys on. I would have thought they’d all party like it was 1999, when they didn’t even know they had a football team.
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There are two purposes of all of the above text messaging and phone conversations. The goals of which were to demonstrate how watching a game by oneself isn’t pathetic, it can actually be beneficial, to humiliate Bengal fans and to give my readers a true life look into the mind of a Browns fan.
While last Sunday was great, as you can probably tell, regarding this week’s match-up with the Raiders, I and most Browns fans remain pessimistic.
But here is my opinion: at least we got one those pussy-cats they can’t take back. One day when I didn’t have to watch a sea of orange and black jerseys. The day the Nazis were defeated [See previous Campus Sports Guy blog].